#066 - Ready for a new relationship?

Hi Karolina,

I was sitting on my bed staring into space feeling depressed and angsty. I had this thought: “What would you being willing to give up for true love?” So I kind of expected to have this answer that was very hopeless romantic but as I thought about it I realized that I couldn't think of anything. Which seems to be very good. Like is that the "it" point? Where if I can go into a relationship and be myself? It seems like probably.

Do you have any thoughts on what it would mean to be "ready" to be a quality part of a relationship?

 

Hi there my friend,

I really love your last statement about being a quality part of a new relationship. It points towards the radical aspect of self-responsibility that it takes to be in a satisfying relationship. So much of our culture, and what were fed as kids (think Disney!), says that “true love” is effortless, and eternal. There might be some dragon or evil stepmother to navigate but inside the relationship everything should be peachy keen.

Unfortunately, these images of a perfect relationship set up an almost insurmountable obstacle, because people aren’t perfect! That’s just a reality, and lots of stuff needs to be navigated in most relationships. So this idea of what are you willing to give up for true love is a great question because there is a lot to give up. But not what you think…

Start thinking about giving up the limiting beliefs about what your partner will have to like or look like. Explore giving up those tendencies of pushing away someone who is stable and available, because a more exciting and volatile person grabs your attention. Consider parts of your personality structure that may be ill fitting for what it takes to be present with conflict, because being able to work with conflict is a key part for any quality relationship.

I also hear something in your question about being in relationship without abandoning yourself. Learning how to speak up, have clear boundaries, and communicate your needs will be invaluable. And choosing a partner who wants to know these parts of you is very important. Being able to know your own worth, and show up with that from an open and vulnerable place leaves so much room for your partner to meet you there, which can be so beautiful and deeply healing. In this way you will more likely choose someone who respects your vulnerability, a must in any healthy relationship.

One great article that keeps coming up in my mind is called “Intimate Relationship as Spiritual Crucible” by John Welwood. This is an excellent read on what we actually have to navigate in relationship to feel that type of deep satisfaction, which is possible. And weirdly is has very little to do with what your partner does or doesn’t do, but more about our ability to work with triggers and barriers together and individually.

I don’t know if we ever really know when we’re ready to take on this type of growth. But, starting with being willing to let our self-concepts and our rules about relationships, and life, to be shaken seems like a really good place to start. Also, working on communication skills, and finding a good therapist to work through those deeper issues of self-worth and self-love (which we all have to some degree!) will be important. I have a feeling you are on the right path by just beginning to ask these questions, so keep asking questions of yourself. Intimate relationship is a beautiful experience when we can keep letting go of what doesn’t serve us for new ways of loving and growing together.

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