#063 - Sex Anxiety: The Three Minute Game

My own experience with sex has been a long journey, which still continues. I started out not knowing anything about sex and it being treated in my family and in my religion as a purely procreative act. Pleasure, consent, desire, and fun were not mentioned in any sex talk or education I received. Also being queer and non-binary didn’t add any more ease to it since these were invisible and unspoken identities. As I grew up I created a sexual identity that more closely resembled a masculinity found in R-rated movies and what I heard my cis male friends were doing. All this had very little to do with me and what I wanted and more to do with performance and power.

As I got older life opened up and my relationship to my sexuality opened up too. I had more experiences, partners, and a deeper understanding of myself. I went from having no idea what I was doing, to pretending I knew what I was doing, to accepting I have no idea what I’m doing and opening to that mystery on a day-to-day basis. I have found that for those of us who find sex more complex, some structure and support can be infinitely helpful. I know it’s not cool to need some structure and support with sex! But, containment can help calm and open up places inside that allow for a present centered experience of pleasure.

There are a ton of good books, podcasts, and exercises out there that can support someone who has sex anxiety to feel more comfortable and safe to open up to sexual experiences. In this post I will talk about “The Three Minute Game,” (my partner likes to say its actually a twelve minute game but we’ll get to that!). And just a PSA: orgasm is not required for something to be a sexual/sensual experience! Having orgasm as the goal can really put the breaks on for some folks and limit the engine just getting going.

The Three Minute Game is a process that explores touch, the experiences of the person touching, the person receiving, and consent. This is all based off of the work of Dr. Betty Martin, a badass sexological bodyworker, chiropractor, and touch master. Here is her website that has more info about these touch practices: https://bettymartin.org/videos/

This game has four different roles: Serving, Taking, Allowing, and Accepting. When one person is Serving the other is Accepting, when one person is Taking the other is Allowing. The nuts and bolts of the game are that the people playing (only 2 at a time) start by picking who wants to touch first and who wants to be touched first. The one being touched says what areas of their body are OK to be touched. For example, you may be OK with arms and legs but no torso and head. So the person Accepting touch will say, “Will you alternate between firmly and gently rubbing my legs and butt?” The person Serving will say “Yes, I will” or “No, I’m not up for that, but I am up for…” At this point, a timer is set for 3 minutes, and the one Serving only touches where they both agreed. At the end of three minutes, you can switch those roles and the one who was just Serving now gets to Accept and vice versa.

During these 3 minutes, explore what it feels like to ask for the touch you want and get it. Feel the pressure, warmth, pleasure, and presence of the other person. For the person touching, feel the contact of your hands with the person’s body, stay very aware of the point of contact with your hands and their clothing or skin. One value of the containment of the timer, and the agreed touch area of the body, is to keep most of your attention on the sensations you’re feeling. A good ratio is about 80% of your attention is on yourself and only 20% is on the other person; this holds true for the Accepting role and the Serving role.  

The other configuration is Taking and Allowing. In this one, the person Taking touch is touching for their own pleasure, and the one Allowing is surrendering to that touch. This is the same in terms of consent: the one Allowing names body areas that are on and off limits, and the one Taking gets to work within those parameters. For example, the one Allowing is OK with head, arms, and chest. So, the person Taking might say “May I rub your head and gently touch your neck and shoulders?” The person Allowing (If it’s ok with them) will say “Yes, you may.” A timer is set for 3 minutes, the agreed upon touch is given and agreed, and then you switch!

Here is Betty Martins graph that illustrates “The Wheel of Consent,” the relational positions the game is based off of, and some more info about shadow elements of each position:

As simple as this game is, it is very profound. For starters, you will discover what position feels the most comfortable for you. Maybe you are super comfortable with Serving, but get all uncomfortable with Taking and feel like you are being selfish. Or, Accepting is great, but Allowing makes you feel like your being used. These are just some of the insights possible. What makes this game really helpful is the time limit. For example, if you’re exploring a position that is more edgy for you, there is safety in the time limit to open to the experience knowing it’s within a contained time span.

In my experience, one of the counter-intuitive thing about sex for people with sex anxiety is that arousal has to originate from the parasympathetic system and then transition to the sympathetic system as you get more excited and aroused. This game is a great way to allow for the parasympathetic nervous system to come online. Since it’s contained touch without the expectation of orgasm the system has the opportunity to relax. This may not happen the first time you play, or the second, but with practice, you will get more comfortable, trust your partner to stop at the 3 minutes, and that they will honor your boundaries. This will also support learning that you can honor your own and other’s boundaries too. With this trust, your system can relax. From this place of relaxation, arousal can arise more easefully.

Often, for those of us with sex anxiety, the sympathetic system is already chronically aroused (perhaps due to sexual shame and trauma), sex is associated too quickly with the sympathetic system, which can overload the nervous system and lead to freezing and dissociation during sex. Having a ton of sex where you aren’t really present for it, or pushing through to orgasm to “get through it” doesn’t help longer-term goals of satisfying, embodied sex.

No matter what your genitals are or your gender identity, there can be usefulness in exploring what it’s like to be more present for sexual and sensual touch.  Utilizing some containment (i.e. 3 minute timer and clear touch boundaries) can be profoundly helpful to reduce dissociation, increase pleasure, and create relational safety so that more sexual freedom is possible. I wish you luck and if you give this a try, let me know how it goes!